It has been a discouraging couple of weeks here at the home office. Sitting in the chair, mindless noodling on the computer and fruitless staring into space have broken up the long stretches of sheer panic and terror, so that's nice. It's a little tougher when I wake up in the middle of the night plagued by self doubt and fear.....I'm too tired to get to the chair, find the computer or stare at anything. It's just me and the gnawing panic. Buddies.

I know that I'm supposed to be writing. This is a HUGE statement. I was ready to quit this summer. Really quit. But, the Lord confirmed to me that for the time being, solely from my perspective, for my sanctification and for my maturity, right now I need to keep writing. It was humbling and frightening and encouraging all at the same time. I had the sense that this gift, like any from the Lord, was not mine to lay down, that it was His to use any way He wanted to use it. I don't get to call the shots. I don't get to quit because it's too hard. It's His gift. All He wants me to do is to keep at it, keep growing and working. I can't control one other thing. Not one. No outcome, no fruit, nothing.

Saying yes to a third recording project was not done lightly and volunteering to take the lead in coordinating it was taken even LESS lightly. Why? Well, there are the obvious reasons, like I have no idea what I'm doing, can't make a decision to save my life, am filled with self-doubt, am a professional procrastinator...and that's the short list. But, God thought that sounded PERFECT. He knows how desperately I need Him. So, initially I saw Him move and answer prayer and confirm His presence. But, I knew it would get hard because there is always something to learn, some way to grow and it's never when it's easy, is it?

So, here I am. Discouraged. Writing a lot and none of it is any good. Scared that I can't get any better. Feeling like I'm working hard and making no progress. Feeling alone. Unfocused, but, really trying. Facing the fear of realizing that all that potential I'm supposed to be filled with leaked out of the cracks years ago and there is nothing there. Betrayed at last by my good friend, Potential.

Then it hit me. This is IT! This is exactly where He wants me. This is faith. This is believing that what He asked me to do He still expects me to do. Believing that He is always present, because He is, whether I see Him or feel Him. Do I believe that? Can I believe that and keep writing, keep at it even if it is terrible? Keep at it because I believe that is what He asked me to do? Maybe the only fruit will be in ME, not in a song or songs or any other measurable thing. Will I do it alone, through the frustration, the fear, the horror (so I'm given to exaggeration....) ?? I think He wants to see if I believe Him. He is present. How do I know? Because He said He was. Period.

Realizing that this week was oddly comforting and calming. Did it magically cause me to write an amazing song? Nope. But, i did keep opening lyric files and adding a word here, rearranging a line there, thinking, looking and trying. I kept trying. I KEPT trying. I did have a few mini Snickers.....a few bouts of staring.....an hour or so in the chair.....but I kept trying. I think that's progress. And, I'm pretty sure there's a song in here somewhere.....

As I sit and type this, the modem for the computer is laying at my feet torn apart.  It has a part that is needed and my nephew brought me a replacement part to limp along until I get the new one.  The replacement part does not exactly fit inside the unit, so everything is laying exposed.....wires.....connections....pieces.....the loaner part perched on the edge of the tipped over modem.  Here's the deal:  I haven't ordered the new part yet.  This is week #2.  Why?  'Cuz this is functioning.  It looks like a mess and is less than ideal, I'm sure, having your computer guts under your feet.  But, it is working.  So....I haven't ordered the new part. 

Why does this feel like ME?  Hmmm.....

I almost forgot I had a blog!  Geez.  I have been to Maui and back.  I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't been there.  It really is paradise.  I'd go back in a heartbeat, long, excruciating flight and all.  Since last entry I have had another anniversary, our 26th.  We got back from Hawaii the day before.  Also, my son got engaged.  They are getting married in July.  I'll be washing chickens and getting him married.  You can't get much more diverse than that.  Five of my nieces and niece-in-laws are going to have babies in the next few months.  It is going to be a lot of fun to see all these new little people in the family.  Kyle informed me that I should not expect grandchildren until he is 30.  I'm good with that.  I reminded him that we waited 5 years before he came along. 

On another note, it's Thanksgiving Day.  I am off to clean my sad house anticipating the arrival of Brian's family and my sister and her son.  I'm sure they would appreciate fungus-free bathrooms.  Much to be thankful for again this year.  God is good.